James: Hi there, clip-on sunglasses!

Clip-on sunglasses: Hi, James!

James: I think you guys are really swell.

Clip-on sunglasses: Thanks, we like you too!

James: How would you feel about going for a ride in the washing machine?

Clip-on sunglasses: We think that would be awes- wait... what?

James: Yeah! Washing machine!

Clip-on sunglasses: What?! No! 

James: iiiiii caaaaan't heeeeear youuuuuuu

Clip-on sunglasses: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Washing machine: wash wash wash

Clip-on sunglasses: ack sputter cough dead

James: This plan was poorly thought out. Oh well, time to call my glasses place and give them more of my dollars!

Dollars: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James: iiiiii caaaaan't heeeeear youuuuuuu

Walking home from work, I encountered a fine gentleman in a Benjamin Moore Paints shirt.

"What do you think of the world as a whole?" he asked.

I gave pause. I was not expecting this question! Luckily, he had an answer all ready for me and all I had to do was nod and smile.

"That's what it is, isn't it? A real hole. You take care, buddy." He patted me on the shoulder and went on his merry way.

"What the fuck just happened?" I muttered, possibly out loud. And I wandered home to my apartment, from where I am now talking to you.

It is not entirely true that I was walking home from work. I was walking home from Safeway, where I bought yams, apple chips, and a soda. The soda was to help wash the beer out of my system. I went for drinks with dudes from work, and despite going to the entirely wrong bar at first, it was still a fine time. I only had two beers, which is the right amount, I think. It is not enough to cause typos (at least not any more than usual), but it is enough to make me love life. It helps that - somehow - I got away without paying for anything? Even though I drank two beers and shared some snap peas and sweet potato fries? It shall remain a mystery.

*****

I wrote that much on Friday evening, and then decided to play some 1 vs. 100 on Xbox Live. Didn't come back until now. Two days later. Had more to say at the time but no idea what it was.

I am one of those people who obsesses over best-before dates. I throw out milk at midnight as though there's a good/bad switch. I don't even like drinking expired soda (but I will).

I am not without reason, however. Yogurt - excuse me, #yogurtoftheday - has proven itself as being remarkably long-lasting if you haven't opened the container, so I give it a lot of leeway. And now that I have a freezer, all bets are off.

But still, you sometimes run into issues. On Monday night, I discovered that my cartons of omega-3-enhanced-liquid-egg-whatever-it-is had expired about three weeks ago. I decided I'd give them a fair chance, since maybe they work like yogurt, and I'd eat them up this week if they were still good.

Last night, I decided to scramble one carton of the eggs with cheese, onion, sausage, and salsa. As I was weighing stuff out, a giant cluster of green fuzzy mold fell out of the bag of shredded cheese and into the bowl on the scale. It was a brand new bag of cheese that I had only opened seconds before, and it wasn't due to expire for another month. Not impressed, Kraft, but I will give you another chance. Maybe.

Say what you will about Weight Watchers, but it saved my dinner - if I hadn't had to weigh out the cheese, I would have dumped it straight into my eggs.

Tonight, I went for a similar idea with more of a greasy diner breakfast feel. I made toast, topped it with slices of processed cheese (at least I could easily see that it wasn't green), topped that with sauteed onions and sausage, and topped THAT with scrambled eggs. No salsa this time. I ate half of it and somehow flipped the rest onto my bedroom floor. My bare feet are currently resting on the legs of my chair so as not to be on the currently-drying carpet that I just scrubbed while on my hands and knees.

Cleaning up scrambled eggs and toast and cheese off a carpet is not unlike - and here I speak from experience - cleaning up fresh cat vomit. To start with, it's warm and soft and has a smell. More importantly, no matter how solid it looks, it breaks apart into smaller and smaller pieces - like some unholy infinite game of Asteroids - when confronted with paper towel... which... I guess would represent spaceship bullets. I'm no good at analogies.

I have been told that processed cheese is essentially an edible plastic. I don't know if that's truth or hyperbole, but I DO know that it clings to carpet fibers like you would not believe.

The moral of the story: don't try to eat expired eggs.